Angel Page

Creative. Dyspraxic. Lots More

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Being Shy And Finding My Voice On Twitter Spaces

Here is an unedited post from my old blog, written in 2022. I had spoken with Rachel Thompson (@BadRedheadMedia) on Twitter Spaces, and in this post, I reflected on my wrestles with self-confidence, expression, and verbal ellipses. Please note that this post was of its time, and therefore, the audio below is not available. However, I hope the rest of what I shared in this moment will resonate.

Ciao, Ciao, Lovely People!! I hope 2022 has so far been as kind to you as possible. I haven’t written on this blog as much as I would love to, in part because I wasn’t sure what to write, or that enough people cared to read it. At the same time, I have been working offline on my collection of poems and short stories, Scent Of Scorched Feathers. However, I had thought of some things to write about away from that, and so, here I am with a note on my experience with Twitter Spaces.

So, @RachelintheOC @BadRedheadMedia and I have followed each other for about 7 or 8 years, but this past Wednesday, I had the pleasure of speaking with her for the first time briefly on #BookMarketingChat Twitter Space. I was nervous as hell!! Perhaps that showed a little. Anybody who knows me in person knows that I can be quite shy, quiet, or both, but they’ll also tell you that I can make others laugh, and feel they’re a part when in groups or other circles.

For me, I’ve written in the past that my self-confidence has taken a beating over the years, and I’ve been rather aware of the scale of hurt I’ve dealt with. Some days, I’ll shut down completely and not say anything to anybody, or feel up to doing much, although there’s so much that I want to say, but would struggle to express, let alone articulate in writing. It’s very much a physical, emotional, and spiritual drain in those moments. In some ways, I’ve felt a sense of heightened loneliness and depressive spells during the last two years of the pandemic.

Social media is sometimes difficult because site members can show only what they want to show, and they can present it with text or pictures or video or speech, or all forms at once. In many cases, what we share can be our better or favourite selves. Online, I can take on a different persona. On Twitter, for example, I host #VerseAngel writing prompts – I do that with text and pictures. I also write poetry and write a blog. Sometimes I tweet my thoughts on all sorts of stuff, from video games and house music, to design ideas and the diaries of a dyspraxic. On the surface, one might think I project confidence upon looking at my profile, however, ask me to make a video or podcast, and I wouldn’t feel so sure.

It’s nearly 12 years since I started writing poetry, but I have never once recited my work in front of anybody, except my mother once or twice, and when I have shared my writes, I’ve done so privately, with the other person writing back. I never really speak about it, and when I have, I find myself being sorry, asking if something makes sense, or if they’re still with me, or that mid-thought, I can have what I call “verbal ellipses”.  There is another layer to this – For various reasons, I haven’t been able to have steady work, and the last time I had a permanent job was in December 2005, not for a lack of trying. So, I’ve often questioned “what I’m good at” while filling out and sending off applications. Rejection, followed by the restrictions that joblessness can cause, then combined with what feels like a lifetime of being told to shut up by classmates, work colleagues and groups of people, most of whom I would struggle to call “friends”, had also led to a feeling that nobody wanted to listen to whatever I had to say, and even if they had, I felt that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. In turn, I started to feel uncomfortable with, if not hate the sound of my own voice. I can count on one hand the number of people who have heard me sing, and I’ll make sure I’m alone or out of earshot before I even dare to try. I never phone anybody after 9pm for this reason, and this was a problem for me in my days of education, because I often worked into the late hours through things I couldn’t understand or had forgotten, trying to complete homework, before carrying lots of exhaustion into the next day due to aches and a lack of good night’s sleep. Even on occasions during the day, I’m at pains to send texts.

But there are numerous times that I can recall, where I’ve had to speak, sometimes when I would’ve preferred not to. Invisibility is very real, and it can have deathly consequences – It was this realisation which compelled me to find a way, even if it was in the quiet hours. At least it’s out there, and if somebody else saw it in the darkness, then we surely aren’t alone, right? There’s the battle of hovering over the Call Button, making that call, or taking the mic, taking that step forward, and I probably wouldn’t have spoken if @TabithaErotica hadn’t, but she touched upon the “Should I? Shouldn’t I?” feeling, which I related to lots (in my case, because of deep anxieties and dyspraxia). In person, I would’ve said “Let’s Be Shy Together” to help someone feel at ease. I hope I can say I would still do that – To be clearer, that doesn’t mean we would sit in silence in corners, curled up in our shells, although if anyone wanted to do that, that would be fine, too. It’s more “I’ve been there. I know how it feels, too, and I’m in the same place. We aren’t alone, we have this…”

Some of you have followed me for a while, and we might have spoken on timelines, but if you’re curious to put a voice to “Angel Page”, or wondered about the person behind the blog, picture, profiles, prompts and posters, please take a moment to listen here, around the 1:04:00 to 1:10:00 mark. Perhaps one day, I’ll tell you (again) why these days, I use that form more than “Angel Whispers”. 💕✨

x x x x x x x x Love Angel Page. Creative. Dyspraxic. Lots More…

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