Here is an unedited post from my old blog, written in May 2022. I share some thoughts about “Nice Things”, Rejection, Acceptance, and a lovely birthday surprise, which made me feel quite emotional…
So, Last month, It was my 40th birthday on Easter Sunday. It’s one of those “milestones”, and as part of the celebrations, my brother presented me with a Nintendo Switch. Still very emotional and overwhelmed about that, in the best way… For anybody who knows me, I’ve been a huge Nintendo fan since forever (Well, my 5th birthday in 1987), and I still rocked a Wii U and 3DS in 2022. Sometimes personal events have a way of conditioning people to believe they shouldn’t have “nice things”, or feel they don’t deserve them, and that’s something I’ve felt a great deal… I’ve written in the past about the sense of guilt from joblessness, the strains, and feelings of being a “burden” on the people I love. This extended to not allowing myself to entertain my dreams or desires, or enjoy things that were for me, such as presents.
Nice things are for “working people”, after all, so say governments of the day, but the one who is down on their luck, or looking for work (this is also work), and whose efforts are rewarded with rejections instead of paycheques doesn’t count for arbitrary, preposterous reasons. So, I wouldn’t play my games before 6pm on weekdays, if at all, or treat myself after a day of being “productive” (whatever the hell THAT means, because we all know that word has an entirely different definition for someone antagonising people on social media from their office, during their work hours, no less, before they wonder why their colleagues prefer to be at home instead of making daily commutes to put up with their BS face-to-face, in the midst of a pandemic…). Excuse Me… I’m a very passionate person, and a lot of bottled emotion is flowing from these fingertips.
Even in accomplishments, I would respond with “I don’t deserve this…” (Creating #VerseAngel was an accomplishment for me, as is inspiring a readership in over 48 countries, and being credited as an inspiration by published writers and poets… But this part in brackets, I don’t even need to write. It took me years of unlearning before I realised being here is enough, that I am enough). I would tell my dearest that I didn’t deserve her, and struggle with both giving and receiving affection, while craving it in the same breath. “No, thanks” became an instant response, even when I wanted, or thought internally “that would be quite nice”.
Still working on that, but it’s a pleasure to share this moment with you all. It’s rather special. (By the way, If you take the first letter of each paragraph… That is coincidental, I promise!!!!) 🎈🎉💕✨🥂🍾🍸🍹🧉🎶👏💥🔥🎁🎂
x x x x x x x x 💕✨ Love J
