Here is an unedited post from my old blog, written in 2018, at the end of Dyspraxia Awareness Week. I reflect on being #VerseAngel host, coping mechanisms, the dystopia of “Inspiration”, and share a creative process behind some of my earlier prompt posters.
I know that pretty much all of my #VerseAngel followers are here for the prompts, but one other part of being a host is the creation of new posters. A bit over a year ago, I wrote about how my learning disability shaped their direction. I never wrote anything on my blog, so, I’m writing a bit more about my posters here.
For my Reveal Poster, the first 53 prompts, and a surprise, I used video game screenshots and art work from “The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild”. I put my prompts and word art in the available spaces. #VerseAngel was revealed on 11th February 2016, with a view to launching on World Poetry Day. A large part of me still had cold feet about whether to go ahead with this prompt, and I felt I needed that time to build my self-confidence, which has been something I battle with frequently. With a week to launch day, I used two screenshots from Final Fantasy VII with some word art to create “Countdown” posters. The first of those features the game’s main antagonist with his back turned to the viewer, and in the second, he turns to face the camera. (Although he’s clearly looking down to his side, and there’s a reason for that… In the game, this scene actually takes place in reverse to the way I displayed the pictures!!)
I was also learning how to create blog graphics, banners and posters at the time, and while it wasn’t much, I still felt that what I had could work. My 54th prompt was “For A Little While”, and on that note, I had a break. I launched my “theme park”, the #VerseAngel Poetry Arcade Zone on the week of National Poetry Day, and it was the first time my posters weren’t video game backdrops. I will write about Poetry Arcade Zone at a later stage.
The #VerseAngel posters between September and November had stars, hearts and seashells against a deep orange backdrop. The stars represent hopes, dreams and imagination, and the seashells represent memories and places; the idea of a beach came to mind, as the summertime had just passed. The hearts represent fondness, passion and there are four in total, with two each on either side – They are for my family and friends, someone very dear and very special to me, and myself; I needed that as a self-reminder sometimes. Staying with the beach, each symbol can also be memories or dreams of a holiday romance, or intimate moments shared with another person, or warmth – these are just some of the thoughts I had during my brainstorming sessions. From December to February, the backdrops were silver-white. Between March and May, they were a light green, and from June to August, they were yellow. Can you see a pattern emerging here? That was deliberate, too. I had written about being dyspraxic, needing more time and developing coping mechanisms in a world that wouldn’t adapt or accommodate me. I also had a laptop, which finally bust after nine years; On it, I had some software, which I used to help with my disability, and to this day, I still need to replace it. So, being a prompt host has been quite the battle.
I’ve lost count of the times when I’ve wanted to quit. Part of coping, and ultimately, being able to continue meant having to stop. I learned that the easiest thing to change was the backgrounds, and I used them to buy myself time. Unlike school exams, life and events don’t allow that, so, I find myself somewhere between trying to make disturbed peace and compromises. The next questions were “How much time? When will I be able to replace the things I need? When, if at all, will something good happen?”, and I couldn’t answer two out of three, while the one I could wasn’t definite. I gave myself almost six weeks between reveal and launch, because I didn’t have the confidence or the means to deliver on each hope, let alone frequently. So, I allowed myself double the time that I used to prepare… Coincidentally, I found that that was three months, and born out of that, I adopted a “seasonal approach”.
Can you see it now? Deep orange represents the autumn and rusted, fallen leaves. Silver-white represents the cold winter snow. The font colour is black, so that the word art can be readable, and it represents the long, dark nights. Light green represents the spring and the first sign of sunshine. It also represents rebirth and a “new leaf”. I went with a light shade of green to reflect that this takes place after the winter, after some rain or showers. Yellow is the summer sunshine, brightness, and beach sands. I also realised that the word art wouldn’t be so visible against this backdrop, and changed the font colours to a neon red-pinkish colour for extra “hotness”.
Some people might call it “creativity born out of limitations”, but to my mind, that is an entirely different thing, because such cases are more design choices, and/or a consequence of self-restriction. While beautiful things can emerge from that, I feel that this isn’t true with regard to my learning disability. #VerseAngel is at least 6 to 8 jobs all done by one person, if not more (I will write about this another day…), and the reality for me is that I live with my condition 24/7. I will die with it, because there isn’t a cure. Getting to a certain point demands more time on my part, and unlike my time in education, I’m not afforded that, and I don’t have a support plan. There have been times where I’ve lost a week, or taken time off prompt hosting to “get my body clock back in order”. Sometimes I can be lost for ideas, or need longer to articulate an idea and thought process. So, on a personal note, I can, and often do find it problematic to call some of these elements “creativity”. For Me, that “blank” can lead to degrees of anxiety, self-loathing, self-doubt in my thoughts, actions, and ability to realise something to its end, and it can be a scary place. It can be incredibly lonely, too, especially when you’re not believed, and most people don’t believe there’s something wrong. Among the few that do, there’s a frustration and a feeling that I’m burdening them, so, there’s a reluctance to share what’s on my mind… Sometimes I can’t even explain that for a cocktail of reasons I’ve mentioned above. Adapting and trying to cope in a world that neither sees your disability nor adapts, accommodates and includes you is a daily reality, a necessity, a means of survival. None of this is to say that there aren’t any wonderfully inventive and talented people with disabilities. There are, plenty, and they deserve your visibility, love, attention, affection, support… all of this.
I just feel that it’s both incredibly disingenuous and very bad faith to glamorise one’s daily pain, and there’s a great deal of that, especially in the creative industry. It is true that an experience can shape a direction, BUT this is true regardless of who you are. Time and time again, we’re told that “suffering for one’s art” is a “good and noble thing”, and you’ve probably heard about the “beautiful, tortured souls”. “The only disability is a bad attitude”, we’re told. Or that we’re “inspirational”, or “overcoming disability”, when the reality is entirely different. Oh, and “X did it, What’s YOUR excuse!?” is another one we’re told – It’s very hurtful, and I HATE it. It’s ableist in the extreme. What I find is that such stories are presented in a way that makes the able feel better about leaving everything as it is, and “keeping us in a place”. This narrative sets out to absolve them of their own complicity in making our daily life even more difficult. “It doesn’t affect me, and I don’t have to think or worry about it, and X did it, so, they’re just “lazy””. “It isn’t a ‘real’ disability, but you shouldn’t mention it because if you dare, you can’t have this job”. I could continue, but just thinking about it is emotionally draining, tbqh. It’s dystopiration (Sure, that isn’t in the dictionary, but it bloody well should be – Dystopia presented as inspiration porn…), and I can’t help but feel that a lot of people, often able, from the wider society and workplace to social media and sections of the press, fall into that practice. There’s more that I hope to write about being the host of #VerseAngel, but for the moment, I wanted to write a few thoughts that I’ve been sitting on. It’s also the last day of Dyspraxia Awareness Week 2018, and it’s been quite a while since my last blog publication.
If you’ve made it to this part, thank you ever so much for taking a moment to visit my blog page and read it. I appreciate it lots.
x x x x x x x x Love Angel Page. Creative. Dyspraxic. Lots More…
